Lucy's Garden

Our daughter died. She was stillborn.

I've said those words to myself over and over again. Sometimes to convince myself that this really happened, sometimes to break the news to others. Surprisingly, they're not that hard to say. We lost our Lucy before she was born. I was 8 months pregnant, in labor and delivery, hooked up to monitors, watching her heart beat. Then it stopped. Seven minutes and an emergency c-section later, she was born--not breathing with no pulse. And now she is gone. It is that simple.

Yesterday, she would have been one month old. Today is her due date. And so, we have begun our year of "firsts" without Lucy and a lifetime of "what ifs," "should haves," and "might have beens." Today's post, Peaches readers, is the first since our Lucy died and is dedicated to her. I wish more than anything that I was posting about bringing home our baby, but I am instead posting about planting a tree in her honor.

Since Lucy died, the kindness and generosity of friends, family, and our community have been overwhelming. We haven't had to cook supper, not even once, since we returned home from the hospital almost one month ago. We've received over 100 cards, 30+ flower deliveries, and countless emails and phone calls. People are so good, and I've never been more convinced of that since this happened to our family.

It is surprising, when you lose a child, what you learn about yourself and about others in your life. You find you are stronger than you thought...and weaker. The same is true for your relationships. Many people open up and share their losses with you--some you never even knew had experienced such losses. You feel bad that you never knew, that you didn't even ask. If you did know, you feel bad you didn't do more or that you didn't understand. People you barely know--or don't know at all--come running with food and a shoulder to cry on. And yes, unfortunately, some of the people you are closest to, the kind of people who call every day when you bring home a live baby, are painfully silent. It is impossible to reach out when you are in this situation, to tell those people that you need them. So you instead focus on those that are there, who have reached out to you. And you hope the others will eventually find the words.

When we returned from the hospital, the feeling of helplessness was overwhelming, and Lucy's due date loomed large even when it was weeks away. We couldn't save her, but we wanted to do SOMETHING for her. We knew this day would be a tough one for us, so--almost a month ago--we decided we would celebrate by planting a tree in her honor. We received several beautiful potted plants and flowers and several generous gift certificates to local nurseries from friends. So what began as just a tree turned into much more.

We began last weekend by planting eight holly bushes in the front of our house. Beautiful little shrubs with pretty red berries and glossy leaves that will stay green all year long. We received three yellow mums in the week after Lucy died, so we planted those along the south side of the front porch. Although one has already gone dormant, I am hopeful they will all three come back next year. And when they bloom, in the fall, they will remind us of our sweet autumn baby. The rose bush that was sent to her funeral was planted out back. It also has gone dormant, but we will see what spring brings.

Joe and Max begin digging for the holly bushes.

Max finds a new friend--a HUGE earthworm!

Then we set out to find a tree for our Lucy. We wanted something beautiful, and decided a dogwood would be perfect. We looked for a pink one, but quickly found out that most nurseries only carry pink dogwoods in the spring. Many places had white, but for some reason that didn't seem right. Then we found it--a beautiful red dogwood at Family Tree Nursery in Liberty. Already over 6 feet tall with gorgeous buds just begging to bloom this spring. After we purchased it and got back into the car, I said to Joe, "The red dogwood is the right one. I think our Lucy would have been more of a red kind of girl than pink anyway." He smiled and nodded.

We have spent this week debating where the tree should go. The "perfect" spot, in my opinion, was on an incline right under a power line that runs about 15 feet above the ground. Both of these things (the incline and the power line) made Joe nervous, so we settled on a compromise--still on the incline but just to the side of the power line. We've never planted a tree before, but the very nice gentleman at the nursery assured us we couldn't go wrong if we followed his instructions:

just dig a wide hole (but not too deep)

put the tree in (after covering the root ball with some stuff called "Myke's")

backfill with compost and soil

and top with mulch.

So that's what we did. Fingers crossed that the tree takes root and in the spring and summer--when our little girl would have been sitting up, learning to crawl, and even starting to babble ma-ma and da-da--we'll be reminded of her beauty with green leaves and big purplish-red dogwood blooms. To watch over the tree, we placed a statue of an angel, another gift from very kind friends.

We also purchased two globe blue spruce shrubs and planted them on either side of the front steps. And a very kind friend brought another gorgeous rose bush to us this week to add to Lucy's garden, so we planted that on the south side of the house today, too.

Now that it is all said and done, here is an updated "after" shot of our house from the front and northeast corner (note that, since our last post, Joe got lattice put up around our front porch...he did a great job).

The shrubs and trees looked so big at the nursery,

but look so tiny against the house. It will be fun

to watch them grow.

Although we will never be able to take care of our little girl or watch her grow up, we will be able to care for these plants and watch them grow and change. It may seem small, but planting this garden has allowed us to DO something for our daughter. And there is great comfort in that.

I want to close this post with the assurance that our blog isn't going to turn into a sad one about our lost daughter. Future posts will continue to highlight our adventures restoring and repairing this house. Occasionally, wistfully, we may mention Lucy and--if we do--we hope you aren't uncomfortable or scared. Or that you think we're not coping well because we are talking about her or because we feel sad or angry that she is gone. She is a part of us and our family and our story now. She has changed us, and this experience is now part of the very fabric of who we are. But it does not define us, and we will forge ahead. It is what she would have wanted.

For those who have experienced a loss or who know someone who has, or are just trying to understand what we are going through, I recently ran across this beautiful and brutally honest letter written by a mother who lost a child during pregnancy. It is posted many places and describes "what we wish you knew about pregnancy loss." Unfortunately, I cannot find out who is the original author so that she can be given credit. Although much of it is specific to losing a child during a pregnancy (specifically miscarriage), I think much of it speaks to the feelings of loss in general, and I thought it was worth sharing.

Our daughter died.

Surprisingly, those words aren't that hard to say. I need to say them, in fact. I need to talk about her, to talk about what happened. To be reminded of her every day. It means she existed, that others know she existed. That she mattered and continues to matter. Thank you, Peaches readers, for letting us share Lucy's story. Or for at least reading to the end of this very long post.

And to our angel--we miss you. Always will.

Out with the old!

Last weekend, we had a garage sale. Above is the "before" photo of Max's clothes, shoes, hats, socks, etc. that he wore during the first two years of his life. It was SHOCKING for me to see it all. How could one little person possibly have needed all that? Two boxes of shoes??? He has tiny feet that don't grow! And we have two more big bags of gender-neutral clothes (not pictured here) that we put away for baby Lucy...

There was a part of me that was afraid to go through it all, thinking I'd probably get all sentimental and teary-eyed as I remembered the pajamas he puked on at my sister's or the outfit he wore when he threw his very first temper-tantrum. But sorting through it all reminded me that I am not a pack-rat and I just don't get sentimental about "things," so there were few tears. In fact, it was a lot of fun looking at his little outfits, thinking about how far he's come, and knowing that we should be so proud of the person he's becoming. And it was somewhat therapeutic to begin to clear out some space in our home--and our family--for our little girl. Just the first step in getting ready for the changes to come...

Porch Painting Progress

Lately, we've had a renewed zeal for home improvement (ha!) and some cooperative weather, so we've been tackling some of those outdoor projects we've otherwise put off for too long. In particular, we've paid a lot of attention to our porches. If you'll recall, we reconstructed both our back porch and our front porch last year. Our contractor used treated lumber for all of our new framing, so we had to wait a bit for the wood to cure before painting. After staring at raw, unfinished wood for a year, we decided* enough was enough and it was time to pretty things up a bit.

*Okay, by "we" I mean "Kendra." She seriously kicked me in my butt to get back aboard the home improvement bandwagon. I have spent the last year content with the current state of the Country Estate, which I would describe as thoroughly adequate. She, on the other hand, is always planning the next move--which is not a bad thing--and has no contentment with "thoroughly adequate." I've had my come-to-Jesus moment, though, and am back to work and fired up to get things done around the house. Until Mizzou football season starts, anyway.

While we haven't quite finished the painting on the porches, we are making solid progress. Some of the painting on the back porch will have to wait to accommodate our new garden, but we should knock out the bulk of it by next weekend. Here is a shot of the stairs and decking leading down to the patio:


Everything in white is newly painted. Okay, I know that doesn't look like much, but it is a pain to paint those damn spindles, and I'm glad that job is done. We will be painting the steps and floor a red color to match our front porch, which, by the way, now looks like this:


I just realized we didn't get a good "before" shot of the front porch, but let me tell you--there is a huge difference between now and then. Most of the stone columns you see in the picture above were buckling out, causing major structural issues. Due to this issue--or perhaps causing it--there was a giant hole in the ground under the porch, which I'm sure just pooled water, causing more movement, and further destabilizing the area. I'm no structural engineer, but that's my theory and it makes sense to me. To remedy the situation, our contractor propped up the porch roof with lumber, and then tore out the rest of the porch structure. He cleaned and re-laid the stones, rebuilt the frame under the floor (which was pretty well rotted and bounced when you tried to walk on it), and replaced/reused the old floorboards. He also filled in the hole under the porch to get water away from the house. The result is a porch that is structurally sound, safe to walk on, and pleasing (we think) to look at. Last week, after the powerwashing, we were able to finish painting the raw wood. Now, all that's left is to put on some lattice around the bottom and plant a few shrubs. We're crossing our fingers to get that finished by the end of July.

Powerwashing Momma

Just because I'm nearly 6 months pregnant doesn't mean I'm not willing to get my hands a little dirty (or wet).





I spent the better part of last Sunday afternoon powerwashing the front and back porches and some of our window trim in preparation for painting (hopefully this weekend if it stays dry). The fella from Sherwin Williams SWORE to me that the paint I bought was "self-priming" (in fact, he refused to sell me primer), so two coats should do it. Then we can put up the lattice on the front porch and FINALLY start landscaping. I also washed the back patio so we can re-level some of the stones and sweep some new sand into the spaces between the pavers.



And, of course, I also took time out to play with my favorite little guy!

Happy Fourth of July.

Joe Dirt

Hello? Is anyone still there? Anyone still reading? If you are, I salute you, and apologize for not posting for MONTHS. I'll spare you another "we're going to resurrect the blog" speech for now. That's the intention, but that was also my intention when I last posted in January. For now, I'll just bring you up to speed on the latest activity with the house.

As you can see from the opening pic, we're spreading some dirt. Correction, Joe's spreading some dirt while I sit on the patio and blog. He doesn't want a 5 1/2 months pregnant lady hauling around a shovel and wheelbarrow, despite my protests. So I guess that brings us to the first update--we're expecting another baby in October. And it's a GIRL! Maybe my nesting instinct is kicking in already, but I've got a lot of plans for this house over the summer...

A few weeks ago, we had some old concrete removed from the yard and a couple of new walkways poured--one in front and one in back. That's where the dirt work comes in...filling in the holes and around the new concrete.




They look great and were MUCH needed. And after never planting ANYTHING in my life, I have even tried my hand at a tiny bit of landscaping and planted a very small garden outside the back door (more on my adventures in gardening in a future post). It is finally getting to the point where we can sit back in our new patio furniture and enjoy our yard!



So, what else is on tap this summer? Painting the front and back porches, installing lattice around the front porch, new trim in the downstairs bathroom, a bit more landscaping and a LOT more dirt. Oh yeah--and Joe has taken out one of our downstairs windows to begin his ambitious project of restoring all the original windows in the house. I'll let him tell you about that later...

Max is 2!

 

This post is a little late, but our little Max turned 2 on the 11th! We had a FUN celebration with almost 20 family members. Lots of food, cake, toys for Max, AND an American Idol Karaoke tournament for the grown-ups after Max went down for his nap.

Hard to believe that this time last year, Max was still crawling and saying probably only 10 words or so, and we were packing up our loft to start our new life here in Lathrop.

Seems so long ago, yet just like yesterday. What a difference a year makes...